I miss the days when life was simple. And then I ask myself if it ever was. Did I ever think it was easy? Did I ever wake up with nothing to fear or dread? Did I ever feel wrapped in love and protected from all of the evils of the big bad world? Have I always been so jaded and sad?
I guess I always have been this way. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to wake up just once and not feel the weight of the world crushing down on my shoulders. To wake up and smile at the promise of a new day instead of fearing what fresh hell will be rained down upon me.
They say it's all about being positive but how can you be positive when the only things that happen all day every day are bad?
And then you carry that feeling like a suitcase full of boulders throughout your life and inadvertently hit the people you care about the most with it. And God forbid you meet someone new that you really care about because you end up hitting them with it too. Then they just push you away because they all have enough of their own shit to deal with without being hit in the face every day by your bag full of boulders.
And you end up alone and more sad and with more boulders in your suitcase.
I really need to get rid of all of them. Yes, I got dealt a really bad hand. And yes I am alone in the world with only my two daughters to give a shit whether I live or die. Yes, I've spent way too much time walking in sadness mourning all that I lost and fearing, ironically, this very situation that I am currently in. So now that it's here, what is left to fear? I've very nearly lost it all. My home is in the air and may be taken soon, my nursing career shot to hell, my finances are in the negative numbers, no savings, no security, no family, no "man" to take care of me . What the fuck else is there to fear besides death? Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind and jump off the ledge and see if there's a good cross wind that will blow me into a new life.
God sometimes takes us all the way down in order to build us back up into a new and better version of ourselves. I mean what have I got to lose?
